Beauty in a World Full of Pain

Wow, I can hardly believe it's been over a year since my last post. My little angel would be 1 yr. 9 months and 6 days old. I can only imagine the smiles and laughter this almost 2 yr. old would bring us. Even though she was only with us for a short while, she has forever changed me. Through my tragedy I have been able to see how precious this life is and on most days I will choose to see the beauty in a world full of pain. I will stop and cherish these moments knowing that tomorrow is not promised to any of us. My "strong" days have become more frequent, but even on those "strong" days I've come to understand that I will always feel the sting of losing my baby, day in and day out... this is something that will never change. Without her in my life there is a piece of me that will always be missing.

I've joined a couple of pages on Facebook that offer support for those who have lost babies. It has been a great source of healing and also difficult to be apart of at times. There are so many others that have been through this same tragedy and reading their stories breaks my heart.

Recently, I took part in an event called "August 19th, Day of Hope". On this day we made prayer flags for our babies. There were so many prayer flags shared on the page and it takes your breath away knowing that each flag represents a child gone too soon.

I loved having the opportunity to participate in this event. I just hope more than ever that my daughter felt the love and knows what she means to us.

Also, I shared Emery's story on a blog called "Return to Zero", it's for a movie based on a true story of a couple who also went through the tragedy of losing their baby. Below is the link to the story.

http://returntozerothemovie.com/blog/?p=1463

With Brave Wings She Flies

Where do I begin? These last 2 months have been so hard without Emery.
Our home in Riverton finally sold and on May 30th we packed up her nursery (she would have been 6 months old). I had been dreading this day, but there was no time to put it off any longer. The crib, the changing table, the drapes, the booksling, the diapers, the decorations and all the clothes that had been washed and neatly folded awaiting for her arival had to be packed and put away. I painfully adored each little outfit as I placed them in the plastic wrap. And then came the 6 month old clothes. I imagined her in everything, scooting and rolling around. It was a slow process and I knew it would hurt.
There was a part of me that wanted to put everything back up in our new home... just as it was. I know this would not be a healthy thing to do. So instead we plan to use all her wall decorations for our guest bedroom and that will have to do.

When we lived in Riverton Kegan's night light would always go from dim to bright, and  off and on by itself. It would scare him, so I immediately told him it was Emery staying close by, and that she loves him and wants to be near him. This thought seemed to comfort him, as it did I. The light in his room would only change during the day and at night it would remain on dim the entire time. Kegan said that he had asked Emery to not change the light at night because it would scare him. We all loved the idea that Emery was still nearby and showing us. Since moving into our new home the light no longer changes. I've explained to Kegan that Emery is still with us and that she won't always be able to show us, but that she can hear and see him. Although, I have to be honest and say I was a litte sad that the light no longer changed.

Both Chris and I got Emery's birth flower tattooed on our sides. I've got Kegan's birth flower as well, and it only seemed fitting to have our baby girl's. It's a beautiful turquoise chrysanthemum with a few of the pedals turned into feathers. I will later add the words "With brave wings she flies".

We have so much love for Emery and it's extremely difficult not being able to smother her with kisses and hugs. So these things like a tattoo, a night light, or a room filled with her belongings are ways of giving us a little satisfaction until that day that we again can be with her.

We love you forever and always Emery Jane!

Happy Easter to my Emery Bug!

Broken

I was driving in my car today and the song "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson came on. I realize this is a song about relationships ending and the heartache that's involved, but no matter the meaning behind a song, I usually find someway to connect with it so that the words pertain to my life. And as I was listening to these words I was unable to do so...

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
Stand a little taller,
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter,
Footsteps even lighter,
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
Stronger, just me myself and I..."

I would like to think that from losing Emery I've somehow become a better person - A fighter, someone standing taller and stronger. But the reality is... I'm broken. I feel that at any moment I will fall. And this week especially has felt like one big fall that I'm having a hard time getting back up from. Friday morning I received news from one of my closest childhood friends - She is 9 weeks pregnant with her 3rd baby. Even though this is exciting news, I could still hear saddness and hesitation in her voice. With the loss of Emery being so fresh, she was afraid to tell me. I can understand why, but it's still hard to accept that I'm that girl that people have to be careful with - I'm fragile. The following day I received yet another shocking surprise. Chris' brother and his wife are also 9 weeks pregnant and expecting their 3rd baby. Up until that point I had managed to hold it together despite the saddness I had felt. But I was no longer able to control it and I sobbed. Don't get me wrong - I truly am happy for my friend and for my sister-in-law. It's just impossible to not feel mixed emotions only 4 months after losing my baby. I was certain this 1st year was going to be the most difficult, but everything I have felt and experienced in these last 4 months is far more painful than anything I ever could have imagined. And obviously losing Emery hasn't killed me, but it has without a doubt left me broken.

Pain is not an easy place to visit...

I haven't written in over a month. I feel that a piece of me has disconnected, as if that's going to allow me to escape from my pain. I know that in doing so it's only temporary, and I am easily able to go back there - but I don't allow myself to sit with it for long; it's too exhausting. I don't want to numb myself either, because that doesn't just keep me from feeling the pain, it also keeps me from feeling the love. But It's so hard to experience the anguish over and over again - there's triggers everywhere and when you least expect it. You always hear people say, "Time heals all wounds" but I disagree. I feel that over time our body and mind learn how to cope with what's become, but it never truly heals. It becomes something we learn to manage, and finding the best way to manage these feelings without numbing them is what's tricky. Despite feeling a little disconnected, we started going to the cemetery almost every Sunday to take flowers to Emery. I love doing this! Once a week I carefully pick out the prettiest flowers I can find - it's such a simple little thing, and at the same time it's everything I have left to look forward to. We took some flowers and a colorful polka dotted windmill to the cemetery the other week. We placed it in the ground, but without the wind blowing it just stood there in place. As we were pulling away to leave the windmill began to spin. I looked at Chris and said, "Look, it's Emery saying goodbye!". It's these little moments that keep me going, and no matter how heavy the pain is I will not let it outweigh my love. I may try to escape from my feelings at times and even succeed, but it's only momentarily. Emery has forever touched my heart and I will continue to live through this pain for moments like this.

I want to hold on... FOREVER!

Almost 2 months has passed. There hasn't been a single day that's gone by without thinking of Emery. I want to know her... her smile, her laugh, her life. It's so hard to have all these expectations and without being given any notice, or warning everything is ripped from you. I'm still so fixated on the idea of having my baby girl and all the little things that go along with it... buying cute outfits & bows, decorating her room, savoring every little milestone and being that parent who is so proud that they can't help but boast. I'm trying to wrap my mind around a new way of thinking... I may not have this life to raise my baby girl, but in another time I will get my chance. I have to believe. By holding onto this hope I continue to hold onto to Emery. The hardest thought to grasp is the idea of forgetting, or moving on as if Emery never was... This hurts my heart. I want to cherish the moments I did have with her. It's amazing how without really getting the opportunity to know her, she has become such a big part of who I am.

I miss her...

I love her...

I will never forget her...

Pregnancies, babies, all around...

Yesterday was my 6 week check up. It wasn't meant to be this way. It seems my body has recoverd, but what about my heart and soul?
I decided to get an IUD for birth control and even though I know this is the best decision for the time being, it saddened me. I long for my baby! I see pregnant women and babies everywhere. I am so envious and all I can do is stare. I know having another baby wouldn't take away my emptiness. All I really want is my Emery and nothing is going to change that.