November 30, 2011 we said Goodbye before even getting the chance to say Hello to our precious baby girl. I was 39 weeks along and so anxious for my Emery to arrive. It was my weekly check up and my doctor was having trouble locating her heartbeat... I desperately began pleading to God, to my Dad, to ANYONE, "Please, Please let him find her heartbeat!" but every inch of me already knew that she was gone. Life in that moment was too cruel to be real. I sat there feeling alone and abandoned. This couldn't be happening, but it was. And all those hopes and dreams for my beautiful baby were shattered in just a blink of an eye. Chris was out in the waiting room with Kegan, which left me having to be the one to break the news to him. It seemed impossible to do when I couldn't begin to grasp it myself. The doctor directed Chris into the room where I was sitting on the table in disbelief. I shook my head as the tears poured down my face. I watched Chris react with a confused look, and all I could manage to say was, "We lost her". His confused reaction quickly turned to pain, and he hugged me as we both cried. I felt like a failure. My body had failed to protect this little girl that everyone was waiting to meet. I was so sorry... sorry for Emery, for Chris and for Kegan.
I tried to collect myself before facing Kegan. I couldn't let him see me lose control, but the tears were impossible to stop. As I entered the waiting room Kegan looked up and his little face filled with concern, "What's wrong Mom?". I couldn't bare to tell him that she was gone, so I tried leaving some hope by telling him that the doctor had asked us to go to labor and delivery to look for Emery's heartbeat. I too, was clinging on to this hope and asking for a miracle. The walk to labor and delivery seemed never ending and all I wanted to do was break down. Never in my life have I had to stay strong when I so badly wanted to lose control. Once I was in labor and delivery I changed into my gown. The ultrasound technician arrived to be certain that they hadn't made a mistake, and just like my doctor had said, our precious Emery's heart was no longer beating. It hit like a ton of bricks... Emery was gone and yet her little body still inside me.
The doctor broke my water and contractions started immediately. At 5:40PM Emery's still body, so perfect and warm was placed in my arms. 6lbs. 13oz. and 21inches long. I bawled. She was absolutely beautiful. I loved everything about her. Her button nose, her pouty lips, her long toes (just like her Dad's), her dark hair, and chubby thighs... I was taking it all in. I wanted more than anything to hear her crying, to feel her moving and to see her open her eyes. We shared the next 5 hours with Emery. Family came to see her just as if we were welcoming our little baby into this world when we were really being forced to say Goodbye. Chris and I shared the last hour alone with her. We sat in silence hugging her in our arms... I didn't want to let her go! I knew this would be the last time I would touch her... but it was time to say Goodbye.
I tried to collect myself before facing Kegan. I couldn't let him see me lose control, but the tears were impossible to stop. As I entered the waiting room Kegan looked up and his little face filled with concern, "What's wrong Mom?". I couldn't bare to tell him that she was gone, so I tried leaving some hope by telling him that the doctor had asked us to go to labor and delivery to look for Emery's heartbeat. I too, was clinging on to this hope and asking for a miracle. The walk to labor and delivery seemed never ending and all I wanted to do was break down. Never in my life have I had to stay strong when I so badly wanted to lose control. Once I was in labor and delivery I changed into my gown. The ultrasound technician arrived to be certain that they hadn't made a mistake, and just like my doctor had said, our precious Emery's heart was no longer beating. It hit like a ton of bricks... Emery was gone and yet her little body still inside me.
The doctor broke my water and contractions started immediately. At 5:40PM Emery's still body, so perfect and warm was placed in my arms. 6lbs. 13oz. and 21inches long. I bawled. She was absolutely beautiful. I loved everything about her. Her button nose, her pouty lips, her long toes (just like her Dad's), her dark hair, and chubby thighs... I was taking it all in. I wanted more than anything to hear her crying, to feel her moving and to see her open her eyes. We shared the next 5 hours with Emery. Family came to see her just as if we were welcoming our little baby into this world when we were really being forced to say Goodbye. Chris and I shared the last hour alone with her. We sat in silence hugging her in our arms... I didn't want to let her go! I knew this would be the last time I would touch her... but it was time to say Goodbye.
We cannot wait for the day that we again get to hold and kiss you! You are with us forever our baby girl!
Photo's provided by Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
Photographer: Jennifer Holt
Photographer: Jennifer Holt
