I want to hold on... FOREVER!

Almost 2 months has passed. There hasn't been a single day that's gone by without thinking of Emery. I want to know her... her smile, her laugh, her life. It's so hard to have all these expectations and without being given any notice, or warning everything is ripped from you. I'm still so fixated on the idea of having my baby girl and all the little things that go along with it... buying cute outfits & bows, decorating her room, savoring every little milestone and being that parent who is so proud that they can't help but boast. I'm trying to wrap my mind around a new way of thinking... I may not have this life to raise my baby girl, but in another time I will get my chance. I have to believe. By holding onto this hope I continue to hold onto to Emery. The hardest thought to grasp is the idea of forgetting, or moving on as if Emery never was... This hurts my heart. I want to cherish the moments I did have with her. It's amazing how without really getting the opportunity to know her, she has become such a big part of who I am.

I miss her...

I love her...

I will never forget her...

Pregnancies, babies, all around...

Yesterday was my 6 week check up. It wasn't meant to be this way. It seems my body has recoverd, but what about my heart and soul?
I decided to get an IUD for birth control and even though I know this is the best decision for the time being, it saddened me. I long for my baby! I see pregnant women and babies everywhere. I am so envious and all I can do is stare. I know having another baby wouldn't take away my emptiness. All I really want is my Emery and nothing is going to change that.

You're all I need...

This song is so beautiful. It couldn't have been more perfect in describing what I feel. My Emery Jane, all of me is all for you!


Is there a cure for this pain
Maybe I should have something to eat
But food wont take this emptiness away
Im hungry for you my love

Well I made it through another day
In my cold room
On scraps and pieces left behind
I survive on the memory of you

All Of me is all for you
Youre all I see
All of me is all for you
Youre all I need

Is there a remedy for waiting
For loves victorious return
Is there a remedy for hating
Every second that Im without you

All of me is all for you
Youre all I see
All of me is all for you
Youre all I need

All this life is all for love
Its the only road Ill choose
And every street and avenue
Only one will lead me back to you

One Love, One Love, One Love
One Love, One Love, One Love


"All Of Me" By Angus & Julia Stone
http://youtu.be/TvfRDHVS3Ek

I'd like to run and leave this behind...

That day continues to replay in my mind over and over again like a nightmare and I keep waiting to wake up. How am I making it through each day as if nothing has happend? After all those months of planning and anticipation... where is my baby? I go days without crying and can't help but feel that I have become numb and empty in order to get by. I am forced to keep going because this life won't stop for anyone to fall apart. I'd like to run and leave this behind... but now it is part of my life.