Happy Easter to my Emery Bug!

Broken

I was driving in my car today and the song "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson came on. I realize this is a song about relationships ending and the heartache that's involved, but no matter the meaning behind a song, I usually find someway to connect with it so that the words pertain to my life. And as I was listening to these words I was unable to do so...

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
Stand a little taller,
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter,
Footsteps even lighter,
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
Stronger, just me myself and I..."

I would like to think that from losing Emery I've somehow become a better person - A fighter, someone standing taller and stronger. But the reality is... I'm broken. I feel that at any moment I will fall. And this week especially has felt like one big fall that I'm having a hard time getting back up from. Friday morning I received news from one of my closest childhood friends - She is 9 weeks pregnant with her 3rd baby. Even though this is exciting news, I could still hear saddness and hesitation in her voice. With the loss of Emery being so fresh, she was afraid to tell me. I can understand why, but it's still hard to accept that I'm that girl that people have to be careful with - I'm fragile. The following day I received yet another shocking surprise. Chris' brother and his wife are also 9 weeks pregnant and expecting their 3rd baby. Up until that point I had managed to hold it together despite the saddness I had felt. But I was no longer able to control it and I sobbed. Don't get me wrong - I truly am happy for my friend and for my sister-in-law. It's just impossible to not feel mixed emotions only 4 months after losing my baby. I was certain this 1st year was going to be the most difficult, but everything I have felt and experienced in these last 4 months is far more painful than anything I ever could have imagined. And obviously losing Emery hasn't killed me, but it has without a doubt left me broken.