Pain is not an easy place to visit...

I haven't written in over a month. I feel that a piece of me has disconnected, as if that's going to allow me to escape from my pain. I know that in doing so it's only temporary, and I am easily able to go back there - but I don't allow myself to sit with it for long; it's too exhausting. I don't want to numb myself either, because that doesn't just keep me from feeling the pain, it also keeps me from feeling the love. But It's so hard to experience the anguish over and over again - there's triggers everywhere and when you least expect it. You always hear people say, "Time heals all wounds" but I disagree. I feel that over time our body and mind learn how to cope with what's become, but it never truly heals. It becomes something we learn to manage, and finding the best way to manage these feelings without numbing them is what's tricky. Despite feeling a little disconnected, we started going to the cemetery almost every Sunday to take flowers to Emery. I love doing this! Once a week I carefully pick out the prettiest flowers I can find - it's such a simple little thing, and at the same time it's everything I have left to look forward to. We took some flowers and a colorful polka dotted windmill to the cemetery the other week. We placed it in the ground, but without the wind blowing it just stood there in place. As we were pulling away to leave the windmill began to spin. I looked at Chris and said, "Look, it's Emery saying goodbye!". It's these little moments that keep me going, and no matter how heavy the pain is I will not let it outweigh my love. I may try to escape from my feelings at times and even succeed, but it's only momentarily. Emery has forever touched my heart and I will continue to live through this pain for moments like this.